Much ado about nothing

Now I like music. I've always liked music, and my tastes in music, unlike my tastes in religion are very catholic. I've been known to rock on, air guitar, and conduct an imaginary symphony all in the one minute. Unfortunately music has become the bane of my existence. My colleagues at KTAS also like music. so much so in fact, that they insist in playing music all day (and night) at work. Alas, the only music available is what is called "walk on" music, a collection of modern music pap, the greatest hits of 2008 selected by QANTAS with a view to causing the minimum offence to passengers as they board and disembark. A non changing selection of 12 tracks, which is often played at force 8 on the Richter scale. I've made my distaste clear, and the most common reaction is an incredulous 'how can you not like it?'

The other morning was rather fraught with late 'planes, and early crews, and at one point I suggested that we could all do with a rest from the music. Ezekial laughed at the suggestion, and Barry turned the music up. A QANTAS engineer arrived and turned the music off saying that he couldn't work in that racket, and proceeded to tinker with something technical, and I silently thanked him, but all too soon he left, and Barry walked from the rear of the 'plane to the cabin control panel at the front, to reset the music even louder than before. I said to him that since we had had three months of his entertainment selection, perhaps it was my turn to choose, and I preferred silence. "Don't be ridiculous" he responded. I decided to take my case to the leading hand. She is a hugely, grossly, grotesquely fat asian lady who waddles into planes, and who is permanently out of breath. She speaks in a whisper between gasps. She reminds me of a caterpillar - the iridescent yellow safety jacket she wears helps to complete the illusion - have you ever noticed that as a caterpillars legs move backwards and forwards in groups, they create the illusion of waves ? Well with the leading hand the waves are in the blubber and can be observed moving up and down her body as she walks. When she occasionally (very occasionally) moves a little quicker, it is interesting to observe the phenomena of newly generated waves being created before earlier waves have had the chance to dissipate. The new waves travelling north meet the old waves travelling south, usually around the midriff, and this collision produces ever more interesting patterns and forms. I would not want you to imagine that she is wholly unattractive however, her moustache for example lends her a sort of raffish air, reminiscent from certain angles of the young David Niven in 'Prisioner of Zenda'

Anyway, I explained to the leading hand that after 3 months, it was surely reasonable for me to have a choice of listening. She looked at me and smiled. At least I think she smiled, she certainly opened her mouth and bared her teeth in my direction - teeth tastefully colour co-ordinated with her jacket by the way - and moved over to the control panel, and turned the music up ! I suppose that is why QANTAS supplies ear plugs for its customers.

Films seen recently

Me and Orson Welles ****

Wild Target ****

Made in Dagenham ****

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The Kids are all right **

Creation **

Farewell **